coz1223
Respect for the truth is an acquired taste
i dont always [trust] my ability to [trust].
loveI am feeling a lot of shame and guilt regarding my relationship right now. My previous relationship was instantly thrilling, but quickly went wrong. It was filled with lies, cheating, manipulation, emotional distress, and mild to moderate sexual abuse. I had to fight to get away from him for months. He would never leave me alone and his irrational behavior escalated. It got BAD....I filed a restraining order, and he still continued to stalk me...even physically restraining me and trying to force me into sexual acts.
Anyways, hearing words like "I love you so much", "you are a phenomenal woman", "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" etc., and then later discovering this man was having constant sexual relationships with several women was a more than humbling experience. It broke my self esteem down to nothing. I felt worthless.
The man I am dating now has been a dear friend of mine for the duration of my horrible relationship. I know I can trust him. I love him whole-heartedly. But sometimes I get flashbacks, and a renewed sense of worthlessness. I feel like I am not good enough and that he will want someone or something else. When I snap out of this state of mind I realize how stupid I am for feeling this way.
But I went through his phone for the first time the other day. I felt so horrible for doing it. Our relationship is so solid and he has NEVER given me a reason to question him. I told him I looked....he was understanding. He told me to just ask him to see his phone or discuss any questions I may have. He is absolutely right, there is no reason for me to sneak and snoop....and if I honestly feel like that's what I have to do to learn the truth THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.
I feel so guilty. I want to give him what he deserves and not bring the burns of my past into our relationship. The fact that he is SO caring and patient and understanding almost makes me feel worse.
He is the most wonderful man I have ever met!! How can I be exactly what he deserves?
Anyways, hearing words like "I love you so much", "you are a phenomenal woman", "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" etc., and then later discovering this man was having constant sexual relationships with several women was a more than humbling experience. It broke my self esteem down to nothing. I felt worthless.
The man I am dating now has been a dear friend of mine for the duration of my horrible relationship. I know I can trust him. I love him whole-heartedly. But sometimes I get flashbacks, and a renewed sense of worthlessness. I feel like I am not good enough and that he will want someone or something else. When I snap out of this state of mind I realize how stupid I am for feeling this way.
But I went through his phone for the first time the other day. I felt so horrible for doing it. Our relationship is so solid and he has NEVER given me a reason to question him. I told him I looked....he was understanding. He told me to just ask him to see his phone or discuss any questions I may have. He is absolutely right, there is no reason for me to sneak and snoop....and if I honestly feel like that's what I have to do to learn the truth THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.
I feel so guilty. I want to give him what he deserves and not bring the burns of my past into our relationship. The fact that he is SO caring and patient and understanding almost makes me feel worse.
He is the most wonderful man I have ever met!! How can I be exactly what he deserves?
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